So I've always been a little freaked out by Jonathon Coulton's music. I mean the songs he wrote for Portal are fantastic, but I didn't realize until I sang Still Alive for a friend as an undergrad that the lyrics are really friggin creepy. Other songs of his, I noticed right away, and decided to stay as far from them as possible. Like Re: Your Brains, a rousing anthem about a zombie apocalypse. I don't like zombies, I don't like zombies in media, and I am especially creeped out by media from the perspective of zombies trying to get someone to stop fighting and get eaten already.
At least that was me a few years ago. In the last year or so, I've warmed a little to the appeal, or at least the utility, of zombies, though I'm still majorly squicked out by any zombie media that highlights the gory aspects of fighting zombies or the societal collapse inevitable to nearly every bezombied fictional setting. The place where I've accepted the role of the horde in my life and my art is in the worlds of Magic: the Gathering, where a year ago I opened a Liliana, the Last Hope in an Eldritch Moon fat pack and set about constructing a Standard zombie deck. The release of Amonkhet, an ancient-Egypt-themed set, has added some new and interesting things to the possibility space of overwhelming your opponent with zombie tokens, and has gotten me thinking about them again.
And then I was discussing the villain-in-absentia of the set, Nicol Bolas, with somebody in a Magic-themed Discord channel, and they said "I think all he wants is to eat the plane." And then my brain did this.
Re: Your Planes
To be sung to the tune of Re: Your Brains by Jonathon Coulton
Heya Amonkhet
It's Bolas from across the void
It's good to see you buddy, how you been?
Things have been okay for me
because I'm your God-Pharaoh now
I know someday you'll let me in
I think I speak for everyone when I say I understand
Why your people hesitate to submit to my demands
But here's an FYI: you're all gonna die screaming.
CHORUS
All I wanna do is eat your planes
I'm not unreasonable, I mean all of you will still undie.
All I wanna do is eat your planes
We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise
'Cause someday I'll be back
And then I'll come inside and eat your planes.
I don't wanna nitpick, gods, but is this really your plan
With eight of you reduced to only five?
No one's ever gonna see "trespasser" written on your temple walls
When nobody enters them alive.
I'm not surprised to see you haven't thought it through enough.
Your people lack the head for all that bigger-picture stuff.
But Amonkhet, I do, and I plan on eating you slowly.
CHORUS
All I wanna do is eat your planes
I'm not unreasonable, I mean all of you will still undie.
All I wanna do is eat your planes
We're at an impasse here, I can tell it's been a trial.
Prove your worthiness
And then I'll come inside and eat your planes.
I'd like to help you all in any way I can
I sure appreciate the way you live to serve me
I'm not a tyrant, maybe technically I am
I guess I am...
Got another scheme to plan, maybe we could wrap it up?
I know we'll get to common ground somehow.
Meanwhile I'll check back in with my minions infiltrating other planes
I guess we'll table this for now
I'm glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time, I know we're all busy as hell
Being worthy will be great
When the afterlife's new gates open
CHORUS
All I wanna do is eat your planes
I'm not unreasonable, I mean all of you will still undie.
All I wanna do is eat your planes
We're at an impasse here, till the second sun arrives.
And then the dome will fall
And then I'll come inside and eat your planes.
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