On Film: Rating the James Bond Movies

Let's start with the obvious: James Bond is a racist, sexist product of a racist, sexist society. Even the best Bond movies are deeply problematic, stereotyping nonwhite people, objectifying women (including scantily clad dancing girls in all the opening credits sequences), and killing lots and lots of people, and as a result they're not very good overall. But it turns out they’re great “dumb fun” movies to watch when I’m feeling down and just want something to complain about.

Having kvetched my way through most of the series with the Geek at my side, here are my thoughts about all the Bond movies I’ve seen, in order of release, and a couple for which I’ve only read the book.

• Dr. No: Haven’t seen it, but the novel does not lead me to expect great things, especially from the character of Honey Rider.
• From Russia With Love: Not awful, but pretty typical Bond. This is the first one with Q, and the gadgets aren’t particularly outrageous yet.
• Goldfinger: Between Oddjob and Pussy Galore, this one manages to be racist, sexist, and homophobic all at once. It does, however, establish all the important Bond tropes that Thunderball didn't get to, so watch this one if you like continuity and have a strong stomach.
• Thunderball: Not awful. Got some great nature shots; I think my favorite character was the stingray that hangs around while they’re disarming the nuclear warhead underwater.
• On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Relatively decent; I barely had anything to complain about. It’s a mashup of a regular Bond movie with a romantic comedy, with a notable cameo from Blofeld's extremely fluffy cat and possibly the best skiing footage I've seen in a Bond movie. I actually started to sympathize with both Bond and his girlfriend of the moment. The ending is rather abrupt, though, and if you have started to sympathize with Bond&girlfriend, it will be painful to watch.
• Live and Let Die: AVOID. I started watching this one because I love the opening theme, and stopped about ten minutes later after seeing more racist caricature of black American and Caribbean culture than I thought could be packed into an entire movie.
• The Man With the Golden Gun: Not awful. One of the villains is a little person, and I am not qualified to determine how problematic that is.
• The Spy Who Loved Me: Not awful. The villain has a cool underwater base, so this movie has my favorite part of Bond Movies: awesome ocean nature shots.
• Moonraker: This one’s about space eugenics. It’s really dumb, except for the part where the space eugenicists are defeated by two secondary characters who aren’t conventionally attractive enough to survive space eugenics.
• Never Say Never Again: This is a remake of Thunderball with worse nature shots. Rowan Atkinson is in it though, as the Mr. Bean of diplomats, and there’s some cool-for-its-time video game stuff.
• Goldeneye: Relatively decent. Has the best female co-protagonist, a KGB programmer, and Dame Judi Dench plays M for the first time and gets to call Bond out on his antics. This is also the one with the hilarious tank chase.
• Tomorrow Never Dies: Not awful. The villain is Fake News, so this one hits a bit close to home. Michelle Yeoh plays a Chinese agent working with Bond, and she definitely makes it more watchable. It’s also got some nice underwater footage.
• Casino Royale: Haven’t seen it, but the book was powerful, both in good and bad ways. The book also taught me the rules of baccarat, which came in handy watching some of the other movies.